Tales of the Parodyverse

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Al B. Harper, Killer Shrike, L!, Rhiannon, Visionary, and Dancer. See, there was this chat happening, and the story just crept up on us…
Sat Apr 28, 2007 at 07:45:14 pm EDT
Subject
Guess Who’s Coming To Dinner – Part 4: “Hey, when my dad caught me unioning he didn't give any blessing. He just reached for his shotgun.”
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Guess Who’s Coming To Dinner – Part 4: “Hey, when my dad caught me unioning he didn't give any blessing. He just reached for his shotgun.”

By Al B. Harper, Killer Shrike, L!, Rhiannon, Visionary, and Dancer. See, there was this chat happening, and the story just crept up on us…

[The Story So Far: Katarina Allen is dating (and kind of living with) Mr Epitome, a.k.a. Dominic Clancy, a.k.a. the Man of Might, the Paragon of Power etc. Not that he’s compensating for anything, despite what CSFB! says. Kat’s dad, retired US Army Master-Sergeant Allen, has come to town. Kat, Dom, and dad have all gone out for dinner together. And now Kat is back at the Lair Mansion…]

[The Scene: Kat's bedroom at the Lair Mansion]

Yuki Shiro, cyborg P.I: Calm down. It cant have been that bad.

Kat: .......

Hallie, the Lair Mansion A.I: I'm doing a computer check now. There was no major structural damage.

Kat: .......

Marie Murcheson, time-displaced Victorian: But Katarina was only dining with her beau and her father. What could possibly go wrong?

Kat: .......

Yuki: Somebody used the wrong fork?

Kat: ........

Amber St Clare, LL Liaison Officer: Just to check, we're talking personal human tragedy here? Not damage liability?

Kat: .......

Hallie: Also, she's still breathing. That has to be a good sign.

Kara Harper: *pops bubble gum bubble*

Citizen Z: *nudges her so she chokes on it*

Yuki: C'mon Kat. We'd all be happier if you showed signs of still having higher brain functions. Please? Tell us what happened.

Kat: .........

Yuki: Okay, I'm a detective. I'll deduce, shall I? Let's see what the food spatters over Kat's evening dress tell us. Apart from what was on the menu.

Amber: Maybe it just tells us that Mr Epitome is a messy eater?

Miss Framlicker: Maybe it says never order spaghetti on a date? Not that I would know...Humph!

Kat: ……..

Amy: We could always slap her? *she takes out her spanner* I'll do it!

Marie: Perhaps Katarina is unhappy because her swain did not use his napkin properly? That can be very traumatic.

Hallie: The Yurt coming round to your place for dessert, that's traumatic. Napkins can rarely cause total sensory withdrawal.

Amber: Do you think we could wrap her fingers round this pen so she could sign a damage waiver form?

Hallie: Come on, Kat. We need to know what happened. And if we need to call in SPUD to do a decontamination of the area.

Yuki: And also why you have mustard sauce in your hair.

Marie: Did your father not approve of your young man? Would he not give his blessing on your union?

Amy: Hey, when my dad caught me unioning he didn't give any blessing. He just reached for his shotgun.

Miss F: We all react to you like that, Amy.

Kat: The.....

Amber: She spoke! She made a noise! There was a definite syllable there! Um.. it wasn't any kind of admission of liability, was it?

Citizen Z: Yes, out with it already... what is the secret to Epitome's undoing? Ah... romantically, of course.

Yuki: The what? The men? The mustard sauce? The alien invaders who wrecked my quiet dinner with my dad and boyfriend?

April Apple: Does anyone else think this recap would be better in the steam room?

CSFB!, from 3 blocks away: I do!

Hallie: *locks door*

Kat: The.......

Yuki, impatiently: Yes, you said that already. We've probably played this joke out long enough. Just make with the recap.

Amy: Tough love. I approve. Now break one of her fingers.

Citizen Z: Don't break her fingers, Amy. Let me do it.

Hallie: We're all here for you, Kat. Quite a lot of us, as it turns out.

April: C'mon Kat. Its just us girls here. Shall we just all slip our clothes off and confess things to each other?

Flapjack, from under the bed: Yeah, let's get to it. I'm almost out of audiotape

Yuki: * Hurls Flapjack out of the window *

Hallie: Oooh... cleared the pool. Nice.

Amber: I like April's suggestion....

Kenny, Lair Gardener: Kenny's geraniums! ?

Miss Framlicker: And isn't Kenny dead?

Kat: The spoons....

Marie: *nods knowingly.*

Hallie: Checking my database for evil spoons. Were bound to have fought some at some point.

Marie: It can be very traumatic when a gentleman uses a dessert spoon for his soup course.

April: Even the Lair Legion can’t have fought evil dessert spoons.

Amber: Because that would be stupid.

Yuki: Well, not every week.

Miss Framliker *with acid*: I wouldn't know...

April: But… spoons…?

Amy: This from a girl whose boyfriend counts Argh!Yle Evillest of Socks in his rogues gallery.

Hallie, doing that flashing data across her thing: Its depressing how many times the Legion has encountered spoons in their missions. We have to get a better class of mission.

Citizen Z: Tell us more of this spoon...and how it hurt Epitome, err, I mean ruined your frock?

Amber: What about the spoons, Kat. Were they damaged in some way? Is the owner likely to sue?

Hallie: Right, so... the spoons. Next word? Sounds like...?

Muffy: This is like the worst party game I've ever played. *pauses* Is this what a party is like?

Amy: No. They have chips & Dip at Parties.

Kara: And boys.

Amber: Not necessarily.

April: Hey, you know what a good party game we could play is...?

Everybody: No!

Marie: Singing round the piano?

Amy: Bash the donkey?

Kat, shaking her head: Okay, I'm back. The alternative was listening to this conversation any longer.

Amy: I can still slap you if you like?

Kara: Yay us for being so irritating!

Citizen Z: *puts away thumbscrews*

April: Shall we debrief in the sauna?

Miss F: So it you wouldn’t mind explaining to us why we’ve just spent precious minutes of our lives trying to work out something we only have a marginal interest in anyway...?

Marie, to everybody in a stage whisper with her hand to her mouth: But don’t mention the S word to her. It might send her back into her flux!

CZ: The S-Word? Spoons?

Amy: Spanner?

April: That's not the S word I learned.

Amber: Solicitors?

Kat, to everybody: I'm feeling much better now, thank you. Feel free to leave me alone any time you like now.

Kara Harper: No way, I've missed decent hanging at the mall time for this - I want more than "spoon". I wanna hear about the forking.

CZ: We won’t leave you now, Katarina. We're happy to stay and support you in reliving your painful experience.

Yuki: So, about the sauce splatter? A left-handed splash with a metal implement into a gravy dish?

Marie: *nods* gravy should always be served from a boat...

April: And licked off while its still warm.

Hallie: I miss gravy.

Hallie: ... Did I say that out loud?

Kara: But gravy didn’t miss Kat. So what happened??

Kat: Well, as you hopefully know from previous chapters, my dad flew into town today and I took him to meet Dominic.

Yuki: Yes, we had established that in our prelim assessment. And also it’s in the recap at the top of the page.

Kat: Right. Well, Dom made all kinds of preparations, of course. Booked a classy American-food-only restaurant, brushed his shoes, got a haircut…

Yuki: Prepared a tactical assessment, ran through some basic combat scenarios, commissioned a couple of psych profile reports…

Amy: Starched his shorts… At least I think that was starch.

Kat: Dom made every effort to make a good impression on dad. We went to meet him at the airport…

Kara: And Mr Epitome stuffed him in a locker? I hear he does that sometimes.

Citizen Z: Cease your inane mutterings and get to the part about how to take out Epitome!

Hallie: Tickets to a ball game work just... um... nevermind.

Miss Framlicker: Okay, this has gone on long enough. I suggest, Ms Allen, that you just cut now to an old-fashioned flashback.

Kat, relieved: Well, if you insist…

[continued… somehow…]




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